YOU CAN CHANGE THE WORLD

					BY

				CHUCK GALLAGHER, S.J.

			CELEBRATE LOVE SERIES

			YOU CAN CHANGE THE WORLD

					BY

				CHUCK GALLAGHER, S.J.

		PASTORAL AND MATRIMONIAL RENEWAL CENTER

				DEDICATION

	To Carol and Lee who are indefatigable in serving the Church, through their Little Church.

Published by Pastoral and Matrimonial Renewal Center
		   67 Prince Street
		   Elizabeth, N.J. 07208
		   908-353-8640
		   Fax-908-353-8730

Copyright 1990 by Pastoral And Matrimonial Renewal Center

Manufactured in U.S.A..

All rights reserved.  No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted, in any form or by any means, without permission in writing from the publisher.

Library of Congress Cataloguing-in-Publication Data

Gallagher, Chuck, S.J. 1927-
	You Can Change The World

ISBN: 0-911905-31-6

				TABLE OF CONTENTS

Perspective							 1

Principles							 2

Visions								 3

Affection In The Home					 4

Celebrating Family Feast Days				 8

Eliminating Criticism In The Home			12

Hospitality In The Parish				15

Enthusiasm For Marriage and Family Life		19

Sharing Talents In The Home				22

House Of Praise						26

Simplifying Our Life Style				31

Spirituality In The Home					39

Family Meals							42

Conclusion							46

				PERSPECTIVE

	Much talk has arisen about lay leadership in the Church.  This is not new.  We are inclined to think such interest is a Vatican II phenomena, which is not the case.  Vatican II did give this topic a major impetus.  It has, however, been a strong papal interest, dating back, at least to Pius XI in the Thirties.  Without doubt, lay leadership is not merely a good idea but a necessary one.  We are, sometimes, led to believe the question of lay leadership has only surfaced because of the shortage of priests and nuns.  We would, though, need lay leadership, even were we to be blessed with an abundance of priestly and religious vocations.  The Church cannot be the Church, if lay people are merely passive recipients of spiritual goodies.  We are all, through Baptism and Confirmation, called to a full participation in the mission of Jesus Christ.  Our vocation, as members of the Body of Christ, is not salvation but evangelization.  This focus on lay involvement and leadership, therefore, comes, not from pragmatic reasons: the shortage of clergy and massive needs in the Church and our society, but from our very identity and purpose as the chosen of the Lord.

	The Sacrament of Confirmation, not the Sacrament of Orders, calls us to ministry in the Church.  When priests become the chief ministers among us, laity are cut out.  All ecclesial services are set up in clerical terms, with regards to schedule, agenda, qualifications, life style.  In no way can the normal, good, solid Catholic participate, meaningfully, under such conditions.  Service becomes an in house affair; you have to be part of the inner circle.  Seminary training and its off shoots become necessary conditions for a position of responsibility in ecclesial leadership. In the last twenty years, the professionalization of the clergy, religious  and those who work full time for the Institutional Church have  compounded this problem.  The more professionalized they become, the more limited their openness to accept, on equal terms, lay people, without the same academic qualifications.

	But the exclusion of our laity has even deeper roots.  One major reason is the singleness focus of clergy and religious while most of our adult Catholics are married.  The problem, is not merely available time (office hours) but orientation.  It is more than priests and religious being subsidized, while the ordinary man and woman supports their family and then works for the Church.  Priests and religious have no family responsibilities.  More importantly, priests and religious think single.  They should.  That is, however, a foreign language and culture to the married.  The way priests and religious think is not wrong; it is frequently, beautiful and inspiring.  We couldn't do without their approach.  When their vision is dominant, however, the married can only be their assistants.

	While there has been much conversation, informal as well as public, about awakening the sleeping giant of the laity, we have to admit very little has happened along those lines.  Yes, we have expanded the institutional jobs to include religious (who have always had a clerical mindset, without the title: subsidized, single, professionalized) and some laity.  (When one of the laity is hired it is not on the basis of the quality of their marriage.  That is considered irrelevant.)  But this has happened on clerical terms.  They have to be full time employees of the Catholic institution, in order to be given a role of any significance.  Furthermore, institutional training is required.  Most lay people are not qualified nor do they have any desire to make the Church their profession.  In which case, their only opportunities are fund raising, running social events, staffing different functions in the parish.  The real leadership remains clerical.

				PRINCIPLES

	This booklet is an attempt to break through the barriers to lay involvement and leadership.  It is based on the following fundamental principles.  Number one.  While structure is a necessary part of Church life, needing to be created, if it did not exist, its focus, of necessity, will be on preservation and stability.  That is the nature of any institution.  Evangelization, which means the changing of cultures, must come from the people of the Church.  Since announcing the Good News is the mission of the Church, the role of the laity is primary.  They live in a secular culture.  Only they can change it.

	Number Two.  The laity live in homes, with families.  Therefore, their evangelization will be an expression of their family life.  It will be home based.  Presently, the activities of the Church take place in institutional structures.  This means people must leave their homes and families in order to be active in the Church, which limits their availability.  Worse, it takes away the personal warmth and closeness a home provides.  The structured approach looks for numbers, a hierarchical relationship, passive recipients.  Most people are not comfortable in public situations, dealing with strangers.  The home is a beautiful antidote to all these deficiencies.

	Number three.  Whatever we ask of our laity, as a way to express their call in Confirmation, must be of great importance.  It is beneath their dignity to merely have them do chores.  Tasks have to be performed; anyone living in a family knows that.  We all pitch in and help.  But, if our laity are limited to that level, we cannot expect them to take the Sacrament of Confirmation seriously.  The opportunities offered, the call given them must be of great value.  They must be able to see it as worthwhile and making a difference.  

	Number four.  Any apostolic outreach should be to and through personal relationships.  The practice, in the Church today, is depersonalized.  We have multiple organizations to care for large numbers of people.  It is efficient, at least, supposedly so.  It does get lots done.  But there is no personal and emotional involvement.  The focus is on the need, not the person.  It is professional service, very little different, other than in motivation, from that provided by the government and secular, charitable organizations.  Laity will be much more generous when their hearts are sought, not merely their time and talent.

	With these principles in mind, this booklet offers an opportunity for good men and women of the Church to spend the graces they have received from the Lord, on their terms and in accordance with their life style and orientation.  The following suggestions are down to earth, homey ones.  You will not have to go outside the home to carry them out.  Yet, they will have a major influence on the quality of life of the whole parish.  It calls for interaction with those you already know and love.

				VISIONS

	The proposal is to adopt one of the ten visions described in this booklet.  These are all family based.  They don't demand any special training or certification.  Anyone of good will can develop them.  They won't take a lot of time, away from your family.  Quite the contrary, all are designed to increase your family life and those of others in the parish.  Don't try to do them all; that would be overwhelming.  Take one.  Adopt it as an orientation, not solely a practice.  Have it become a way of life for your family.  Let it pervade your home, becoming part of the very air the family members breathe.  Ask others, in the parish, with whom you have a close relationship, to take on the same orientation.  This is important.  Don't try to make it a public, parish wide thing, immediately.  It will become that but through love relationships.  Just your immediate family and close friends.  They will ask their own friends to do the same.  That way, it will spread.  This is based on one to one contacts.  No organization, rules or regulations is involved.  Each vision will have a tremendous impact in your own home and, as it spreads through your friends to the rest of the parish, great differences will occur.  The parish can be changed right from your own home, in a relatively short period of time.

	So many good parishioners want the best for their parish.  They really want it to be great, full of warmth, closeness and joy in the Lord.  They see themselves as powerless to do much about it.  They think to themselves: "If only I could get into the pulpit, then I could get some movement around here.".  To correct the misapprehension they are laboring under with regards to the effective power of the pulpit, they should talk with a priest who has had the privilege of the pulpit.  He will quickly disillusion them of the idea everything turns around because of something said from the pulpit.  Most people are more interested in being entertained, inspired or consoled by the homily than being called to change.

	Another lay illusion is the power of the priest.  They say: "If only I had Father's influence, then I could improve things.".  In general, people are very respectful to priests but don't consider them very practical or realistic.  They let the priest be the expert when it comes to "spiritual" things but keep him out of the real world.  Any real change in the parish will have to come, person to person, home to home.  

	Whichever vision we adopt should be not only for ourselves but for the whole parish.  We should be on fire with eagerness for all families in the parish to take on this vision.  But while we dream big, we start small.  We begin with our own family and then ask our closest friends to join us in this vision.  Then, we ask them to ask their friends in the parish to join in the same vision.  It won't be long before your vision is widespread.  You can change your parish right from your own home.

				AFFECTION IN THE HOME

	By that we mean, hugs, kisses, pats, loving statements, affectionate nicknames, gentle looks.  In other words, all the normal ways we express warmth and devotion to one another.  These, you already do, so you have a jump start.  The goal is for every family member to be fully involved, from the youngest to the oldest.  Each would pour out on the other members of the family all their affection every day.  We are looking for more than being affectionate enough.  We want affection to be the dominant theme of the home.

	An initial reaction might be one of disappointment.  We might think to ourselves: "This is hardly very big league.  It's not very challenging.  How will that make such a difference?".  Hold off a minute and rethink.  Recall to mind homes you have visited.  Isn't it true, when a great deal of affection exists between family members, the home is very pleasant.  Their affection for one another washes over and includes you.  Whatever else happens there is not any where near as important as that atmosphere of affection.  It may not be the neatest home imaginable, the meal was not one you would rate very highly, they may not be the most scintillating conversationalists but you felt comfortable and very much at home.  On the other hand,  you might have been in homes where all the other factors scored top marks but, if affection was absent, the environment was less welcoming.  This is true, even if they weren't fighting or cool toward each other but were merely matter of fact.

	Affection is a wonderful gift for your spouse and children.  They can get objectivity from others.  But affection is so uplifting and encouraging.  So often, good men and women, who love one another and their families, feel inadequate and defeated.  They want to be the best possible husband/wife, mother/father they can be.  They love their families so tenderly.  They think, though, they are failures or inadequate because they can't provide the standard of living they would like, the best possible education, the nicest meals, wisdom, patience.  We can all multiply what we would like to provide for one another but are incapable of, because of our lack of education, job advancement, personality, etc.  No one, however, can honestly say they cannot offer affection in abundant measure.  All it takes is hands, arms and lips.

	When talking about affection in the home, the suggestion is not to do it more frequently, like a Lenten practice or a New Year's resolution.  We don't mean to become sufficiently affectionate.  It is to become totally affectionate, day in and day out.  It becomes the overall climate of the home.  We may, truthfully, be able to assert we are very affectionate with one another.  What a wonderful starting place.  Now we will make it environmental, instead of a prevalent practice.  Without doubt, this will be awkward, at the beginning.  The members of the family will wonder, what's up.  It will cause giggles and, possibly, even withdrawal on the part of the shyest in the family.  There will be a break-in period.  We have to keep at it until we overcome the initial reluctance.

	One or other member of the family, usually the man, might back away and claim he's just not that kind of person.  That may well be true considering our deficiencies in raising of boys.  He may have carried this inadequacy from his own home growing up.  But he cannot pass on to his own family the sins inflicted upon him.  The only one way to break this cycle and overcome his natural tendency to be ill at ease with and embarrassed about showing affection is to be affectionate.  It will cost him; he'll have to force himself.

	We are talking, though, about good men who have so often said they will make any sacrifice for their families and have, in so many ways.  He's forced himself to get up on mornings he was sick as a dog, or that were freezing cold, in order to go to work to support the family.  He's worked in less than ideal conditions and taken a lot of guff because he's had to keep his job, for his family's sake.  Giving affection to his loved ones should hardly be as difficult.  Yet it sometimes is.  He's been trained as a man to make these kind of sacrifices.  They are hard but it's his part as a man.  When it comes to affection, he's had little or no training.  The rest of the family can help by taking the leadership in pouring affection upon him and being most responsive to the affection he does offer.

	In regard to men and affection, we simply have to change.  Our men are emotionally starved, often crippled by what has been done to them.  We cannot continue to do that to our men.  In too many homes, hugs and kisses between father and son cease just before adolescence.  What a loss for both.  Definitely, make plans as a husband and wife so this does not happen in your home.  Insist together that father and son kiss one another, all their lives.

	This affection should be offered regardless of situations arising in a family.  We cannot be distracted, no matter how rushed the occasion, how hassled the circumstance, whatever our mood.  It cannot merely be offered as a greeting, when the family comes home.  That is good.  But affection should be the salt of the family meal, the aura of any conversation, even the most serious, the blanket of any correction or discipline, the atmosphere of their recreation and chores and, of course, the basic blessing of their bed time.  It should be a constant and glorious interruption of any silence: "I was just thinking about how much I love you." Or: "I can't go another minute without giving you a hug.".  It can be especially effective when not expected.  All members of the family should be fully involved as givers and receivers.

	If we adopt this vision, we cannot merely practice it when feeling warm and cuddly or when we believe everyone is in the same frame of mind.  When positive feelings are absent is when affection is most required.  We could feel dishonest or hypocritical in saying or doing something we don't mean.  The problem is not solved by withholding the affection.  I have to address my attitude.  Why have I gotten myself into such a position?  Why are the persons closest to me not dear to me, at this time?  The best way to correct this is to give affection in double measure.  But instead, we recoil, saying: "I can't.".  That is not true; it's not we can't; it's we won't.  I can give affection any time I choose.  Sometimes, it's easy and spontaneous.  It's a joy.  Other times, I have to push myself.

	We excuse our withdrawal by saying: "It's only temporary and I'll make up for it later".  That's, probably, true but irrelevant.  Now is now.  This is the time for your affection.  It's the only now you have.  Everything else is past or future.  Why should you put yourself in the position of having to make up?  Why not give at this moment?  Besides, when one member of the family claims the privilege of granting or withholding affection according to how they feel, all members of the family will do the same.  That will sharply reduce the opportunities for affection.  One or other member of the family is liable to be down or out of sorts, many, if not most, days.  We cannot let our feelings determine our response to one another.  When we least feel like it, we most need to be affectionate.

	How many of us have said: "My father never told me he loved me."? Or: "My father just wasn't very affectionate."?  Or: "With my mother, it was either feast or famine.  Either she loved you to pieces or she was busy.  It depended upon how she felt."?  Parents, too, need to hear: "I love you from their children.".  By adopting this vision we can correct the past and prepare for a happy present and future.  We also teach the children how to respond to us.

	A very wise woman introduced a beautiful practice with her six children.  Whenever, they were cranky with one another or fighting, she would send them to their room.  She made them hold hands and say something nice about each other, before they could leave.  Being children they frequently said the required nice thing but as soon as they left the room, would take it back and tell the others they didn't mean it.  The mother realized the important thing was they had said it.  Those children love each other tenderly today.

	Prayer will be part of this.  In order to be fully affectionate, even when it goes against our background and nature or when we are not in the mood, calls for the Lord.  We have to ask him to make up what is lacking in ourselves.  Plead with him to fill us with his affection for our spouse, children, mother, father or brothers and sisters when we can't find much in ourselves.  Talk to him for a moment and let him tell you what he most likes and enjoys in the person or persons in the family toward whom you are having the most difficulty being affectionate.  Listen carefully to him and take on his pleasure in this loved one of ours.

	Maybe, it is becoming clear now.  This is not such a little thing.  It really is major league.  Affection, offered and accepted when we don't feel like it, eliminates time outs from our marriage or family.  Family life is supposed to be full time.  It's not an in and out affair.  We have become used to our little rest periods from full involvement.  That will take some changing.

	To start, establish some minimum standards.  We could insist each family member say: "I love you." to every other family member, at least once a day; hug every family member at least three times daily; get into the habit of touching one another, patting, caressing, holding hands, giving neck or back rubs, etc, writing love notes to one another to place on the fridge, in the lunch, under the pillow; a quick phone call for no other reason than to say: "Lots of love."   These are to get us started.  As we get deeper into this vision and have more experience of living it out, more and more opportunities will come to us.  Also, we will learn from one another.

	Talk over, as a family, weekly, at least, how the level of affection has increased.  Don't be satisfied with doing better, be the best.  After Sunday Mass, is a good occasion.  Also, discuss it with your friends, those who have accepted this vision of yours and made it their own.  Share how you are doing and ask what has helped them.  Also encourage them to ask more of their friends to take on affection in the home as their vision.  It will help your own dedication to know others see the same value and have the same commitment.

	Creating an atmosphere of affection in the home will bring to the surface the reality and depth of the love existing in the family.  Affection brings new life, which the family carries with them wherever they go.

			CELEBRATING FAMILY FEAST DAYS

	Since we have gotten away from our ethnic heritage, we have lost the family traditions and customs which were, and should be, so much part of good family living.  We are too matter of fact in our homes.  There is too much routine and not enough festivity and excitement.  We probably provide better for our children materially and in their education.  All too often, though, our homes are dull.  Much goodness exists in our homes, a lot of love, much parental sacrifice.  We are very intelligent, educated people using those blessings well, with one another and our children.  Our family life is comfortable and comforting, supportative and molding.  Yet with all that, there is a grayness, a lack of color.  It seems we have to go outside for our recreation and enjoyment.  That is particularly true of our children.  The kids are good barometers.  They have a natural tendency to want to be with their friends, especially when they reach adolescence.  They do need to break away from us to some degree.  But it appears so exaggerated in our culture.

	They need a social life, beyond question.  But why can't they enjoy their friends with the family, at least, some of the time?  With the type of people, this booklet is addressing, I am sure they would be welcome.  Their answer is: "There is nothing doing.".  Yet they hang around on street corners, mill around malls or drop into bars which soon lose their freshness.  Those places are not always that exciting; it is the people there.  Their own homes they find dull, not because of the lack of activity but because it is too routine an environment.  The home should be a fun place but we don't have enough joyful activities.

	When you come right down to it, how many family feasts do we have?  There's Christmas, Thanksgiving, parent's anniversary (which is more a couple occasion, than a family one), birthdays (usually only four or five, since our families are so small), Mother's Day (which is more for Mother than the family), Father's Day (which is definitely minor league), that's about it.  When those occasions are spread through the year, it's easy to see why the home is dull.  There simply are not enough occasions to celebrate.  The home is too centered around the business of raising a family, instead of celebrating one.

	Partially, the reason is the break down of extended family.  When we talk family today, we're talking mother, father and two or three children.  That's not enough people for a real celebration.  If one or other, is off their feed that day or someone in the family has to be somewhere else, there is no one to take up the slack.  We are sadly suffering from the lack of blood family in our lives.  By that I mean the interplay of grandparents, aunts and uncles, nieces and nephews, cousins.  We need bodies to have a real party.  But while we can regret this fact, it is reality.  We may have rather good relations with our blood family, visiting the old folks regularly, having some contact with our siblings.  However, each of us clearly understands we have our own family now.  We keep up but have our own lives.  We probably exchange presents on suitable occasions, which are often more dutiful than celebratory.

	The point being raised is our need to make our home, a home which celebrates.  We cannot restore the extended family.  That's gone in our culture.  We can regret it but, for the most part, we cannot do much about it.  Our jobs taking us all over the country, our training to independence, the frequent love/hate relationship between the adult woman and her mother, where we live, all kill off the possibility of deep intimacy with our blood family.  Some happy exceptions exist but all too rarely.  We have to accept where we are and do something about it.

	In addition, when we do have a celebration in the family, we are likely to go to a restaurant.  We think it easier all around, less fuss and feathers.  The home, as a result, is deprived of being the locale of our celebration.  Sure, we had a good time, enjoyed one another.  There were no dishes.  But the celebration wasn't ours.  It was done for us, on someone else's turf.  It is not a horrible crime to go out for dinner but the home environment has something special to offer.  When we do it ourselves we are active participants, involved and invested.  Outside we are passive recipients; the quality of the service determines success.  We need to be in charge of our own celebrations.

	However, the big issue is a question of numbers.  How many times do we celebrate our family life together?  Five times a year, ten times, fifteen?  What this vision holds out, as an ideal, is that it should be a rare week which passes without our finding something meaningful to celebrate about one another and with one another.  Before snorting and believing that to be an exaggeration, stop and think.  What is so bad about the suggestion?  It is not demanding pain or sacrifice.  It is asking you to have fun with one another and rejoice in each other's goodness.  The traditional dilemma has it that familiarity (notice the word is a derivative of family) leads to closeness or contempt.  In good families, there is very little danger of contempt arising.  Our danger is, more likely to be, taking each other for granted.  We are so used to one another, they simply fit comfortably into our scheme of things.  We don't see anything special about them.  They are there, they have always been there.  We are basically happy with them but it is no big deal.  Every once in a while, something happens to make us appreciate them; we feel a little guilty we haven't paid enough attention, but it passes.  Frequent celebrations of high points in each other's lives will help counteract this tendency.

	This vision will also help overcome our inclination to split generations in our recreation.  We talk about peer groups, meaning teenagers and young adults, but the husband and wife's peer group attraction is equally strong.  There is too much of adults with adults and the youngsters with one another.  At family celebrations we will all be together in the same environment.  Sure, the young will find each other as will the adults but there still will be a lot of mutual interaction.

	We'll have to create occasions to celebrate, in addition to our present ones.  We have to look to see what we have to celebrate about one another beyond birthdays.  There are so many: Mommy's promotion, Daddy's raise, a son making a Little League team, another son becoming an altar boy, a daughter having a dance recital, another daughter being high scorer on her basketball team, report cards (not so much for the one with the highest marks, but for the one who studied hardest and put out the most), passing the driving test (this should be a major celebration.  It is a rite of passage), baptismal anniversaries of each member of the family  (This is their birthday into the Church, at least, as worthy of being celebrated as their natal day.  Also, it will give everyone two birthday parties), First Communion anniversaries  (Very much Mom's and Dad's as well as the kids.  You'll probably have to write back to the parish you grew up in to find the date.)  Bring out any pictures you have of the day, for each celebrant.  First date, first falling in love, engagement (the parents should be the first to celebrate those three.  This can be a great one.  The kids will never tire of hearing your story), College Board day, ring day, prizes  and honors of any member of the family, becoming a Lector or Eucharistic Minister, Conception Day on which we can celebrate annually the first moment of their existence (This is great sex education.), anniversaries of family members who have gone to heaven (We are called by our faith to celebrate when our loved ones die.  Initially, that is hard.  Now, after some time has past our joy for them can be more heartfelt.  Also celebrate any of your children who have gone to our Father through miscarriage or infant death.  We need to keep them alive to ourselves and our other children), first job.  As you can see there are a multitude of opportunities for real celebration in our families.  Some are regular annual events, others are one shot deals.  But we certainly do not lack for occasions.

	We want to concentrate on the familiness of these and the celebration.  We don't want to muck them up with material presents and expensive fuss.  They should be in the home; the celebrant can be allowed to choose his/her favorite meal; everyone in the family can pitch in with the decorations, baking the cake, creating cards, etc.  The celebrant can invite friends to be part of this.  That is part of the celebration.  The more the merrier.  But not as a party for the celebrant and friends.  It is to be a family party.  The friends fit into the family.

	This vision adds joy and festivity to the home.  It becomes exciting to be part of this family; something each family member can brag about to their friends' envy.  It lifts us out of the ordinary, routine activities of daily life and gives us cause to rejoice.

	In the beginning, this will be difficult to get off the ground.  We are so patterned, so accustomed to the old way.  If the whole burden is placed on Mom, it won't work.  Every member of the family has to be fully involved, in accordance with their maturity and capabilities.  Once this starts, all members of the family will be thinking of reasons for the family to celebrate something about them.

	As with all the visions, we don't keep this to ourselves.  It will be wonderful just for us but it will mean so much more when we get our closest friends to join us by doing it in their own home and getting their closest friends to do the same.  We will feed one another with ideas of what to celebrate and how.  We should talk to each other, on a regular basis, to follow up on how each family is doing.  We can support and encourage each other, celebrate the success stories and commiserate together, when something has not gone as well as we would have liked.  If we work together with our friends, we are much more likely to keep this up ourselves than if we go it alone.

			ELIMINATING CRITICISM IN THE HOME

	Criticism sinks its roots deeply in each of us.  We have all been on both sides of that coin.  We have received criticism and offered it.  There is no shortage of either criticizing or being criticized in any of our lives.  Under any circumstances, it is difficult to be the object of critical comments.  They sting harshly and last.  Our memory of critical comments made about us is acute.  The greatest pain of all occurs when a family member inflicts it upon us.  Any criticism is bad but coming from a family member brings an added sense of personal betrayal.  Despite that reality, maybe, because of it, we criticize.  The suffering we have experienced doesn't hold us back from imposing it.  We have great reason to believe that persons, most exposed to criticism, are likely to be most critical of others.  Criticism breeds criticism.

	This vice, and it is a vice, is endemic in most American homes.  People feel free to engage in this with fellow family members, even more than with outsiders.  We almost consider it a family privilege.  This is tragic.  The home should be a refuge, a place of peace and solace.  We should be affirmed and uplifted by our families, not torn down.  What we would never say to others,  (They'd tell us where to get off), we are quite comfortable expressing to a member of the family.  It sometimes seems we would be treated better, as a stranger.

	We excuse ourselves in multiple ways.  The classic alibi for criticism is that it is constructive.  "I'm only telling you this for your own good."  "I want to help you."  "I know you'd want to know this.", are all versions of this defense.  Flat out, there is no such thing as constructive criticism.  First of all, you don't construct a human being; he/she is not a building.  Secondly, it is a contradiction in terms, like a squared circle or a healthy dose of AIDS.  Such things simply don't exist; neither does constructive criticism.  All criticism, by it's very nature, is destructive.  It tears down my belief in myself, takes away my self assurance, builds up my distrust of people, especially of the one criticizing.  

	A person can't win, when criticized.  If they reject the accusation, and it is an accusation, no matter how disguised, then they are looked on as defensive or paranoid.  They are accused of not facing reality, not being willing to improve, having a thin skin, being hypersensitive.  So now, there is criticism piled upon criticism, the original which opened all this up, and the additional put down about my negative reaction.  A worse reaction to someone's criticism is to swallow it whole.  This usually indicates the spirit has been knocked out of me by past experiences and I have no fight left.  I've almost gotten to the stage in which I expect criticism as my due.  This is a form of personal masochism.  The best choice of a bad bargain is to reject it interiorly while seeming to agree and being on my guard against that person in the future.  When a family member destroys the trust and confidence by criticizing, the climate so necessary for a close relationship is poisoned.

	Spouses and parents almost seem to believe part of their vocation is to criticize.  They tend to think it a responsibility, a requirement to fulfill their role.  They reason, if they don't do it, someone else will.  That could be true.  Far better, though, he hear it from an outsider than a loved one.  Much better, someone outside the family do it to her than a family member.  It would be hard to deny that, by far, the most criticism we get in our lives comes from our wives/husbands, parents, children.  If we were to hand out a questionnaire which asked us to identify what our parents most liked and disliked about us, it would be easier to answer the dislikes.  They were talked about much more frequently.  Are we doing the same to our spouse and children?

	We are sincere; we love our family.  Why do we criticize so much?  Partly, because we are living out what has been done to us.  (Studies indicate the vast majority of those in jail were beaten as children.  Criticism is a form of psychological beating.)  The critical role model was very strongly influential and remains so.  Furthermore, once my own defenses have been broken down and I think poorly of myself, I automatically think ill of others.  Part, though, is a misguided protectiveness we have for our loved ones.  We want them to do well and are afraid this habit or defect will get in the way.  We think, if we straighten them out, things will be better for them - a perfect example of the cure being worse than the disease; the operation was a success but the patient died.  The object of the criticism is corrected but the cost to the self image is enormous.

	The more likely source of my tendency to criticize is anger, irritation, embarrassment in front of others, getting back for criticism received.  Most criticism, no matter the cover of constructiveness or protection and concern for the other's well being, really comes as a reaction to something done or being done to us which we don't like.  A nastiness, a meanspiritedness and, above all, a superiority is always involved, no matter how nicely it might be offered.  We are never at our best, when criticizing.  Moreover, it consistently  leads to a breakdown of family trust.

	Another factor is: it works.  Without doubt, criticism gets a reaction.  It does shape family members up.  We are afraid, were we to give this habit up, what irritates us will never change.  Well, the criticism will change, which will be an enormous family  gift.  That is true, not only of the person directly in the firing line, but of all members.  The situation is awkward for everyone.  No one likes it, except the person getting it off his/her chest.  Everyone else wonders when their turn will come.

	What am I to do when the light is constantly on, he doesn't fix the faucet, although I have asked him for days, she always wants to be the last one to leave the party, even though I have to get up at 5:30 to go to work, she looks like something from 42nd Street with all that make up?  Am I just supposed to ignore it?  There is a difference between correction and criticism.  Correction would be to point out the fault gently without any attack words or character descriptions.  Thus, for example, it is one thing to say: "The light is on in your room.  Please turn it out.  We will wait for you to do that before we start dinner.".  It is another to say: "The light is on AGAIN!  You're so thoughtless and insensitive.".  Or: "Dear, that drip is so annoying.  Please, do something about it.  It would be a big favor.".  Instead of: "If I have to wait for you to do something, I might as well file my Social Security papers.  You never think of me.".

	Probably hardest to accept about this approach is that it doesn't always work, especially in the beginning.  In all probability, there has been a history of criticism.  The other party has held out, in the past,  until it became too painful to do so any longer.  That pattern has to be undone before the new method can take hold.  But suppose it never works.  In honesty, that is possible.  Well, then, I have to ask myself, which is more damaging to our relationship, my irritation or the damage to one of my loved one's self image and the level of distrust and distance it builds between us.

	Sometimes, when we realize we have been critical, we think: "That's my nature.".  We say: "I'm a very open type of person.  I say exactly what is on my mind.  I never hold anything back.  She knew that when she married me.  The kids are used to it, they've lived with it all their lives.".  This is a perfect example of making a virtue out of a defect.  We call it by names such as honesty, frankness, when actually it is brutality.  It's not my nature; it is my habit.  A habit which needs to be undone for the sake of my spouse and children.

	Teasing can be a backdoor way to criticize.  There is gentle, affectionate teasing, positive and delightful.  Then, there is the darker kind, carrying a poisoned barb.  It is very effective because, if the person, at whom it is aimed, takes objection, our reply is: "Can't you take a joke?".

	"Judge not lest you be judged."  We all like that statement of Jesus.  It is so like him to say something like that.  We treasure those words but, usually, only when being judged, not when doing the judging.  Also, we put criticism in a completely different category than judging.  Yet judgement is exactly what criticism is.  We look at someone else's conduct and character and find it wanting.

	We are considering a family situation here.  In the business world, when we are about to employ someone, we do judge their talents, abilities, character traits.  We wouldn't hire a basically dishonest person.  In the family, though, we should be different.  We have to avoid standing in judgement over them.  This does not throw prudence out the window.  If, for example, we see that one of our children is rash, we would be remiss in not warning that child to avoid walking through a high crime area.  

	The death of hope and enthusiasm in love relationships comes more from criticism than anything else.  Criticism in a family causes hurts and makes us see ourselves as failures.  It undermines our self image and causes us to say: "Who would want me?".  It alienates us and makes us ask: "Why should I belong to someone who thinks that way about me?".  Our commitment to the family becomes greatly limited when frequently criticized.

	We'll have to stop a conduct we probably don't even notice, so we'll need the cooperation and help of other family members to gently remind one another, when any of us slips into a critical mode.  As a preparation for implementing this vision, we can discuss with one another how we can eliminate, name calling, abusive comments and the like.  We have to be careful in this discussion lest it become a criticism session.  The focus must be on how e can improve our future not who is the worst at criticism.

	This vision is to eliminate all criticism from the home.  One initial reaction is a rather cynical fear our conversations would be reduced to a minimum.  That is not true.  Actually, our conversations will be much freer, easier and more open, now that we know we are immune from being criticized.  The vision is a commitment to accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative in our dealings with each other in the home.  Wouldn't that be wonderful!  It would certainly make our family different.  There wouldn't be another one like it in the neighborhood.  We would find so much joy and security in each other's company.  

	On occasions, when a very special parishioner dies, a person who has been very generous, prayerful and sacramental all her life, many wonderful things are mentioned about this woman by all at the wake and funeral.  But the most outstanding accolade would be for people to say: "You know, I've been a friend of Mary's for years and never heard her say a bad word about anyone.".  That is real sanctity, isn't it?  We would all recognize that as extraordinary and worthy of the deepest respect.  Why can't we ambition to be that way in the Little Church of our home?  Wouldn't it be terrific to be able to say the Murphys or the Gonzalez never said anything negative about one another or to one another?  You never heard any criticism in their home.

	In the Middle Ages, the Church was a sanctuary.  Someone being chased by the king's soldiers, if in a church, were safe.  The Church was considered a holy place; it was disrespectful to invade it for an arrest.  Why not make our home, the Little Church, a sanctuary, a holy place?  Recognize it as undignified and lacking in reverence to criticize within these sanctified precincts.  There will be no criticism within our home for any reason whatsoever.  If you just can't hold it back, invite the one you want to criticize outside.  If it is winter, you probably will have to have a big head of steam before making that suggestion.  Furthermore, the one you wish to criticize doesn't have to go outside with you.  Recognize your home as holy.  No criticism.

	This is a major commitment, so you will need your friends to back you.  So deeply ingrained is this habit within us, much prayer, grace, energy and effort will be needed to eradicate it.  But it will be so reinforcing to know your closest friends are working along with you on this and so are their friends.  Not only will the individual homes be changed dramatically but so will the whole parish.  Can't you imagine how things will be different when you meet with them at Sunday Mass and in the parish activities?  The smiles will be spread from ear to ear 

			HOSPITALITY IN THE PARISH

	Whenever people get together and talk about their parish, the heartfelt need is expressed for greater warmth and closeness.  So many feel a distance and lack of personal responsiveness in their parishes or, at least, wish for more.  This is definitely a wonderful ideal, one toward which the Holy Spirit leads and guides us.  It is a grass roots expression of the will of God.

	Yet, on the surface, at least, this hardly seems to be a desire readily fulfilled.  Our parishes grow in size, as parishioners increase while, at the same time, the number of priests shrinks.  Instead of being able to divide our parishes, so that smaller numbers can be more personally in contact with one another, we have had to combine parishes with the resulting impersonal crowds.  As our parishes grow larger, there is less personal involvement.  The hunger for community increases.

	We have to avoid clericalism here.  Clericalism is not only a problem for priests but for the people, as well.  Yes, we may proclaim: "We are the Church", especially when a pastor is doing something we dislike or we have an idea or project to which we are very much committed, that he blocks.  But when it comes to our vision of what the Church should be, we are quite happy to articulate our ideas but expect the priest to accomplish them.  We are too passive.  Yes, we were trained that way and it is hard to overcome old habits.  Yes, the institutional Church is moving too slowly in the updating process.  Yes, we should be listened to and respected more.  All those protests receive a resounding AMEN!

	Now, where do we go from here?  Do we merely throw up our hands in disgust and let the coldness and lack of personal warmth continue?  Do we get in a power struggle with the pastor or express our disapproval by withholding money from the collection?  Do we grudgingly stay as part of the parish, mumbling and complaining as we go?  Do we make the best of things, being faithful and loyal parishioners, despite the way things are?  If so, we are as much the problem as the pastor.  It is our Church.  We must take responsibility.  This is not an invitation to rebellion or harsh verbal confrontations.  That serves no useful purpose for anyone involved.

	Instead of looking at what someone else is doing wrong in their part of the woods and trying to get that straightened out, we should look to our own resources.  A big problem in the Church today is that everyone concentrates on the institutional and clerical segment.  We see - power, influence, privilege, opportunity.  Our perception is correct; those are all present.  We think, if we are to take our rightful place in the Church, we have to take their place (if we are the hostiles).  Or we believe we have to move into their corner and stand beside them with the same authority and power (if we are among the vast majority of the gentle, loving faithful).  We are all focusing on one small acre of a huge Church field.  The acre has been tilled and retilled while that beautiful field has lain fallow for centuries.  The institution and the clerical have been over attended while the power, influence, authority, and potential of the broader Church has been overlooked.

	When it comes to something as personal and intimate as community, the structured Church is relatively impotent.  The priests can be prophetic voices calling us to this but we have to choose to do so and effectuate it.  The institutional charism is organization, orderliness, regularity, proper procedure, regular channels.  None of those qualities are of much use when it comes to closeness and warmth.  Intimacy is messy and irregular not orderly and channelled.  It can't be managed by proper procedures nor can it be legislated.  The institutional Church can, at best, stay out of the way.  It can ensure there is no interference in the formation of community, no barriers.  That is about as far as it can go.

	There should be no friction here in the establishment of our ideal of warmth in a parish.  We should be in no conflict at all with the institutional Church.  Such only occurs when we expect them to go beyond the parameters of their competence and force them out of their acre.  Closeness in the parish is the laity's responsibility, not the priest's.  Just look at the reality.  We come together to the institutional Church, once a week, at Sunday Mass.  Usually several hundred of us or more attend each Mass.  It is impossible for much closeness to develop from a once a week mass ritual.

	Consider our own experience.  We usually go to the same Mass every Sunday, the 10:15 or the 11:45.  We have been participating in that same Mass for years.  In all probability, so have many of our fellow congregants.  Yet, with how many do we have more than a nodding acquaintance?  This is not to our blame.  We couldn't expect it to be otherwise in the circumstances.  Yet, when people express a desire to have more warmth in the parish, they talk about institutional things such as hosts and hostesses to replace ushers, coffee and donuts after Mass.  (Both are good ideas but hardly address the issue at hand)

	The only way to succeed in having real warmth and personal closeness in our parish is to be in each others' homes during the week.  Mass is meant to celebrate an already established unity and foster more; it cannot create it from scratch.  We could compare this situation to a friendship developed in the office.  That is fine and good, as far as it goes, but it won't develop beyond a certain level, until we begin to visit at home.

	The warmth and closeness of the Little Church determines the quality of relationships in the big Church.  It would appear fair to say we do not, for the most part, have a highly developed sense of hospitality among one another as parishioners.  Our contacts with each another are mostly limited to Sunday Mass, parish meetings and social activities.  We put an unreasonable burden upon the institutional Church when it comes to personal closeness.  It has no possibility of being successful, in this regard, no matter how many resources it throws into the effort, no matter how sincere the attempt.  This is outside their acre.

	It is customary to some degree to evaluate parish vitality by counting the number of parishioners at Sunday Mass.  A far more meaningful and more accurate an assessment of the quality of parish life would be to determine how many parishioners were in each others' homes during the week.  I don't think I could be accused of cynicism or negativism were I to guess there are far more people in the big Church on Sunday than in the Little Churches from Monday to Saturday.  Until that reverses itself, we have no other choice but to expect the distance and coolness we presently experience to remain.  This is a Little Church problem and opportunity, not one of the big Church.

	As with all the visions, start small.  No one family can establish intimacy and closeness with the whole parish, even a reasonably sized one of several hundred families.  Too many times, when thinking about hospitality, we bring up the lonely, troubled, and hurting.  They should be reached out to but that is another charism.  We address here the charism of hospitality.  So begin with your closest friends.

	Equally important is that they be parishioners.  We do not say you should not have friends who are not parishioners.  This vision, however,  concerns itself with building the hospitality of the parish, not just being hospitable.  See your other friends on different occasions.  When we say invite parishioners, we do not imply our conversation should be about parish matters that evening.  No, this is to be an evening of joy and delight between you.  Since you are fellow parishioners, the parish will spontaneously come up as one of the topics you share on with one another.  But it is not a formal agenda item.  Get together on a regular basis.  A single get together or only an occasional one will not serve the purpose.  We want to begin the process of true intimacy and bonding.

	For the vast majority, the most important decision we make in our lives is our choice of spouse.  The second most important decision is the selection of friends.  Although we don't think often about it our friends do influence the way we live our lives.  Yet, we normally use our friends strictly for entertainment or other purely social purposes.

	If we desire to be full fledged parishioners our core friends should be from the parish.  They're special gifts from God to help us grow closer to him.  They will support our beliefs and values and, most of all, our commitment to this faith community.  We should celebrate birthdays, school graduations, job promotions, anniversaries.  We share meals and attend Liturgy on Sunday and possibly during the week together.  Our house would always be open to them and we would encourage frequent visits.  We would become familiars, that is family with them.

	As in all the visions, ask your friends to do the same with their friends.  This will be a model and impetus to the rest of the parish.  As this becomes more habitual among the parishioners the big Church will suddenly seem warmer and more hospitable, especially if you begin to go to the same Mass together as families.

	We should be open to the possibility of expanding our circle of parish friends.  Sometimes, even with very good people, their friendship stagnates and doesn't grow.  We need fresh blood.  In going to Mass on Sundays, don't you, on occasion, notice someone who attracts your attention?  You might even comment to one another: "They look like a nice family, I wonder who they are."  Or: "She seems very devout."  Or: "He seems like he really wants to be at Mass."  Such an attraction is the Lord's prompting you to follow through and contact that person or family.  If you can't get to them at that particular Mass, next Sunday sit near where you last saw them and at the Kiss of Peace invite them back to the house.  It could be the start of a glorious relationship.  We're too mature to ask what do I get out of Mass.  But wouldn't it be wonderful, were someone to ask that question of us, to be able to answer; "I met my friend Pete there, I met the Pietowskis."

		ENTHUSIASM FOR MARRIAGE AND FAMILY LIFE

	So much negativity is overtly proclaimed about marriage and family.  It is all around us.  In many conversations, you hear comments about the ingratitude of children, what a cross they are, how expensive they are to raise, they don't listen and it is so much harder for us to raise our children than it was for our parents to raise us.  (Of course, we don't consult our parents, when we make that observation.)  In regards to marriage, much cynicism exists about who is making the greater sacrifices.  (A good rule of thumb when you hear a man or woman complain about their partner's lack of generosity is to judge that they may well be right about the partner's defect but what is certainly true is that they themselves are no blessing to live with), We hear comments about how their partner doesn't understand them, the tired old jokes about men, women and marriage, the sad "what might have beens" from so many.

	Not only the comments and conversations but the actual practices and events we deal with in our society put great pressure on marriage and family life.  Many adults don't want to talk about children, other than to gripe.  They are bored by someone proud of their kids.  They change the topic to something more "significant" or make a flip remark.  Part of the joy and fulfillment of having kids is to be able to talk about them and celebrate their accomplishments.  This is not so easy to accomplish today.  Many young people sleep with or are living with one another.  What a painful disappointment to good parents.  It is such a direct rejection of their parents' life style and commitment.  Pregnancy among their sons and daughters hurts.  Divorce within the family is increasing.  Their children are marrying divorced children, which adds to their fears.  The likelihood of seeing much of their children after they have grown up has been taken away by the socio economic conditions.  They can't talk too openly about these worries and fears without being considered judgmental and old fashioned.  Anything good the child does is credited to the child; but anything bad is the parents' fault.  Young adults living at home are considered to be socially retarded and dependent personalities.  Instead of being considered family men, good bets for marriage, a son living at home is a turn off for many young women.

	These difficulties for married people and parents are reinforced by the media's approach to family life.  With rare exceptions, the man, when there is one in the show, is presented as a insensitive klutz, or, worse, a womanizer.  The feminine character ranges from martyrdom to heroism and she and the children do their best to straighten Daddy out or, at least, help each other overcome his idiocies.  Adultery is a snap of the fingers and casual sex looked upon as a sign of maturity.  Having children is only acceptable for personal self fulfillment.

	The Church itself is not very supportive of marriage and family life.  When we look at the money and personnel invested in the annulment process, divorced and separated support groups, family therapy for dysfunctional or disturbed households, compared with the expenditure on the growth potential of solid marriages, evidently the latter are taken for granted.  There was a recent period, when great credibility was given to the statement: "This is an adult Church.".  We wiped out the prime concern of the majority of our adult Catholics.  That mind set still exists in some circles in the Church.

	A basic Church problem, when it comes to marriage and the family, is the single's orientation of the leadership.  In reality, all decisions in the Catholic Church are made by singles.  That doesn't mean just priests.  It includes religious and lay people.  A married person, in a decision making capacity in the Church, is not there because of the quality of their marriage but because of their professional background.  We need good, dedicated married people to influence the direction and policies of the Church.  This, not solely, in those areas considered "marital": sex, marriage preparation, birth control, but in all matters of Church concern.  Married people perceive everything through the eyes of their relationship.  We need the married prism in the "marital" areas but even more need their special charisms, when it comes to Liturgy, discerning acceptable candidates for priesthood and religious life, the expenditure of Church resources, assignment of priests and religious, the atmosphere of Catholic schools and who teaches in them, the relationship between bishop and priests, as well as the people, the relationship between religious and priests, the subject matter of the homilies.

	We do not suggest the married take over in these areas but that they have a strong influence.  Right now, to our great loss, their influence is zilch.  It has been most helpful to have Sister's Councils and Priest's Senates, despite a tendency toward in-house orientation.  It would be an equal gift to have a Council of the Matrimonied, in every diocese.  From the beautiful charism of their Sacrament, they could speak out to all of us their insights and concerns about the Church at large.

	This vision calls us to create excitement about the Sacrament of Matrimony among families.  A start would be to examine our own marriage.  Is our relationship our first priority?  That is a deep question, not easy to answer with a flat affirmative.  So much pressure from the job often leaves very little when the day is through.  Are the children aware of how much the parents mean to one another?  We can't take that for granted.  How much do we talk to our children about our love?  How much do we show it?  Are we subtly discouraging the children from marriage by our attitudes towards one another.  Young adults living with one another send us a message.  They express a distrust of marriage, they don't see what the big deal is.

	There should be a determined effort to rid ourselves of chauvinistic attitudes, both male and female.  Jokes about men, women, sex and marriage should not be part of our vocabulary.  Negative comments about a spouse or attitudes of superiority should be eliminated.  A good marriage is a gift from God and should be treated with care.

	The wedding album should occupy a prominent place in the home and be referred to frequently.  So should old photo albums of the kids as they have grown.  The parents should share their own childhood with their children, as well as the wonder, joy and pride they felt during the pregnancy and birth of each child.  Baby pictures and other mementoes can be discussed, as parents share their memories.  The wedding anniversary should be a family affair not just the couple's.  The parents should share how they first met, fell in love and married.  This is part of each child's own history.

	The desire to love and nurture others should be fostered among all family members.  Playing house is something most children enjoy.  Learning to prepare and serve snacks or meals is a task which can become more sophisticated as their personal skills develop.  Enjoying babies and young children, whether our own or those of friends should be part of this vision.  Of course, these practices are equally important for our sons, as well as our daughters.  Older children can be encouraged to play with younger children, teaching them games, taking them on outings or babysitting for them, for the enjoyment they give rather than for money.  We can make our homes a welcome place for neighborhood children of all ages.

	A family can be matchmakers for their unmarried members.  A great gift to a single person is a desirable Catholic partner who values the Sacrament of Matrimony with the same reverence and commitment we have.  Even, if the matching is not successful the singles at least, know the other members of the family care.  In match making, we are not suggesting arranged marriages, merely taking the initiative in bringing young people of like values together.  This will be a true service.  Now they are reduced to the spas, work out places and the single's bars.  We would want to stock their pool.  They do their own fishing.

	A weekly family fun night can be scheduled, during which all family members participate fully, taking turns in selecting the activities for the following week.  They may have their friends in for this, if they wish.  The activities should vary from week to week, so the various ages are accommodated.

	This vision promotes enthusiasm for a Sacrament of the Church, badly abused by society and taken for granted in the Church Community.  This vision can change the outlook on marriage and family life for generations to come.

	In this vision most of all, we need the support of our friends.  We need to involve them, not only because we have to take this beyond the confines of our own homes, lest it become inward looking, but we equally need them to enter into our planning and the activation of this vision.  The Sacrament of Matrimony is a full Church experience, not a private deal between the spouses.  We need the investment of our closest friends from the parish in full measure.  We need them to be doing this with one another and their children, so that we are on a journey with fellow pilgrims and not a lonely trip.  We also need them to reflect our successes and failures, to encourage and advise us, to be prophets to us and allow us to be their prophets.

	It would be great to meet regularly with your friends to share faith, meals, outings with the children.  The kids need to see that other people do "strange" things like pray together and care for one another.

			SHARING TALENTS IN THE HOME

	This is not simply taking my fair share of the chores around the house.  No doubt, these need to be done; all have to pitch in so that an unreasonable weight does not fall on one person.  But that line of approach faces tasks and only looks for those skills and talents called for by what is necessary to accomplish the job.  By definition, a chore is simple and easy, calling for very little ability.  They are, for the most part, mindless, merely calling for a willingness to do them.  They are hardly challenging, calling forth the best we have in us.

	Each member of the family from the youngest to the oldest has gifts, given by God.  They range from strength to intelligence and insight to humor, stamina, sensitivity, orderliness, initiative, prayerfulness, ambition, leadership, affection, simplicity, intensity.  Every family is loaded with a cornucopia of wonderful capabilities and graces.  There is the sense of justice of the teen, the experience of the husband, the wife's wisdom and the innocence of the child.

	These are not intended by God to be the individual's own particular possession, which he or she has been granted to help them make their way through life.  In His eyes, they are family endowments, to improve the quality of life of the whole family.  They are gifts for all.  One person has the gift but it is communal, invested by God in him or her, to enhance the happiness of all.

	Too often, those gifts are privatized, made the personal possession of the recipient.  Oh, they share it, more or less generously, with the others but it is my gift which I choose to spend out of my generosity.  One reason for this mind set is that often the outer world identifies and appreciates the talent.  In the family, it is taken for granted and not particularly noticed.  Only at school, in the office or among my friends is my capability recognized.

	The first step in this vision is to clearly identify  each family member's special talents.  A good method is to take out a piece of paper and write down each name, leaving plenty of space in which to put what you discover.  Pray over the name, asking the Holy Spirit to help you clearly see the particular capabilities of that person.  They don't have to have the quality in full measure.  It just has to be there on occasion.  Maybe, someone else in the family has the same ability, to even a fuller degree.  That's alright. Put it down for this one too, if they have even a little.  No comparisons.  Don't be thrown off by the individual's failure to exercise it, either because of laziness or lack of self confidence.  We are merely attempting to identify the talents she/he has.

	Be cautious to avoid overlooking talents you do not particularly favor, for example, initiative.  Don't limit this to the "big" ones.  The so called little capabilities can be just as valuable to personal relationships.  Also, don't restrict yourself to marketable qualities, important in making a living.  Write down abilities such as: a sense of playfulness, a good voice, the ability to tell a joke or, at least, the nerve to try, gentle hands, cleverness with tools, being a reader, wonder about flowers, the stars, how the grass grows, being good at icing a cake, knowing how to sit on a lap.  Of course, we want to include: concern for others, ability to listen, reliability, capability of comforting, a love for the Bible, generosity with possessions and time, as well as: ability to handle money, good study habits, prayerfulness, leadership.  Put them all down for each member of the family, very much including yourselves.  Don't only do this for the children.  All can and should participate in this.  This is a family activity.

	The list should be large.  God has been most generous, with his gifts, to all.  It can be difficult to take seriously the talents of a two year old in comparison with her 16 year old brother but, when we stop to think, we will see how much she adds to the family just by being herself.  On the other hand, the 16 year old might be causing us problems which can make it hard to admit he has much going for him, since we could wring his neck.  We have to be honest.  Don't put down the virtues you wish your husband has, put down his actual ones.

	A prime purpose of a family, in God's plan, is empowerment.  He wants us to draw forth from each other the graces he has implanted within us.  Too often, we look on these as a given in the case of the adults in the family.  The only question is exercising them properly and consistently.  That is not true.  None of us has truly become aware of all we have to give.  Most consider themselves ordinary and pedestrian.  Oh, they might admit a certain skill in making a living, running a house but that is as far as it goes.  They do not see the wonder in them.  With our children, we see our role as providing and caring for them and leave to others, most especially the school, the task of developing their potential.  In reality, the family should be the leader in bringing our endowments to life.

	The first step is to identify.  When we put a name on a talent, it becomes more real.  All of us need others to speak of our gifts, what we have, before we can ever truly believe we have them.  This very exercise, stating the talents of each family member, is tremendously empowering.  It can lead to stunned looks and gaping mouths as a wife, an old grandmother, a little boy, a father hears what we say and thinks: "They really believe that about me; maybe it's true.".  It is a revelation and a prophecy.  The Lord has touched them to life through our speaking out in this way.

	Once all the family talents have been identified, talk with one another about how we will use them.  These gifts cannot be allowed to remain inactive.  They were given for the whole family's sake, so the family should decide how to draw them out and cause them to blossom.  We have a tendency to use our best talents outside the home.  For the kids, it's at school.  For Mom and Dad, it's at work or in some social activity.  If, for example, a son has an ability to draw, why only exercise that in drawing posters for the school dance or a pep rally.  He could add greatly to the decor of the home.  If a daughter has a great sense of fun, it should be part of the family richness and not reserved for her friends.  Think of your qualities outside the house, the ones for which you are paid.  Don't turn them off because there is no monetary remuneration once you walk in the door.

	(In connection with this, it is atrocious to pay kids for doing chores.  Does Mommy get paid for cooking?  Does Daddy get paid for putting up the storm windows?  Besides it is disrespectful of the children.  By doing this, we tell them we believe we have to bribe them to get them to give us a hand.  That should be their privilege.  Children need money.  Give it to them without conditions.  They are not servants, employees.)

	We not only have to identify our qualities and plan how to implement them in the fullest possible way for the profit of all but we should allow the various family members to carry them out.  That is not always as simple as it sounds.  When we want to be serious or are in a bad mood, it is hard to allow the playful member of the family full rein.  When we want to read a paper, it is hard to let the lap sitter go into operation.  Unless we let these qualities come out, they will be stunted or only utilized outside the home.  That is the peer group attraction for all of us, adults and young.  They let us use our skills.

	One of the powerful stories in the Gospel is that of the men who were given 10, 5 and 1 talent.  The point of the Lord's lesson is not the number of talents but how they were used.  The same applies to ourselves in our family life.  A real sense of responsibility is called for here.  We don't have these for ourselves.  That would be burying them.  Nor do we have them for the future.  They are not for when we grow up  They are for now.  They are not for making a living, primarily.  They are for making living worthwhile.  We talk to our children about being responsible.  By that we mean keeping up their room, putting out the garbage and doing well in school.  How limiting.  They have so much more to offer.  For ourselves, we believe we are responsible people because we do all the necessary things to keep the family going.  But we have greater gifts in us we haven't yet touched, or not in years.

	Getting friends involved in this is so important.  They, too, have wonderful graces from the Lord they haven't yet seen or, at least, haven't completely expressed.  Getting them involved with you will be such a gift of friendship to them.  Their participation will deepen your commitment to accomplishing this in your own family, will give new insights and awareness.  They will encourage you by their example and be a sounding board for you.

	This vision recognizes the uniqueness of each individual.  It reinforces parents as the prime educators of their children and calls upon them to share their skills and talents with one another and the kids.  This requires an investment of time and patience but builds relationship as well as skills.  A good example is the mother letting her little one bake a cake.  Of course, there is a mess, which she has to clean up, flour all over the place, dough stuck everywhere.  It costs her a lot of extra time.  But if she doesn't permit this, the boy or girl will never learn to cook.  Furthermore, there is a bonding in the activity in the kitchen.

	This vision recognizes that not everyone has the same talents and each should be allowed to exercise their own.  While all the family's chores must be done by someone, it is possible to allow people to have first choice of those they do best and enjoy.

				HOUSE OF PRAISE

	That's a wonderful phrase, isn't it?  Prayer Communities all over the world have taken that name.  It is a title and vocation.  It identifies the purpose of the group and the call they fulfill.  We know the chief form of prayer we are all called to by our creation, is praise.  Of course, God is happy to hear from us at any time and in any way.  He loves our prayers of petition but the prime way we should speak to him is in celebration and exaltation.  This is essential, not only because it is right and proper to praise the Father of us all, the one on whom we completely depend but because it is good for us.  Praising is a life giving activity.  When we recognize the goodness of God, we are most content with ourselves and our own life.  To praise brings happiness.

	Wouldn't it be grand to make our home a house of praise, not just of God but of one another?  Whenever I hear someone say: "Praise the Lord", I am delighted.  It is exhilarating to hear someone so much a believer that this phrase comes spontaneously and forcefully out of his/her mouth.  That expression lifts my heart and causes me to add my own "Amen".  On many occasions, the thought also passes through my mind: "I wonder, if he praises his wife as frequently as he does the Lord.  I hope she is as thrilled about her husband as she is about God.".  In fact, I would go so far as to say that our praise of God is as believable as our praise of our loved ones.  Scripture had something to say along those lines, didn't it?  Wasn't it St. John who said: "Any man who says he loves God, whom he does not see and does not love his neighbor whom he does see; that man is a liar"?  Strong stuff, isn't it?

	We can defend ourselves by saying: "Of course, I love my spouse."  Yes, we accept that.  But it has to be expressed.  Praise is an essential part of love.  That's how you fell in love in the first place.  It was so wonderful to be appreciated.  You had never met someone so impressed by you, who couldn't find enough good things to say about you.  You were carried away.  Also, you were delighted with everything about him/her.  You were always singing their praises to your family and friends.  You told your new found love all the qualities you found which just amazed you.  Love truly is a mutual admiration society.

	A couple of good areas of your life to look at would be how often you praise God versus how often and how publicly you praise your wife/husband.  Secondly, how often did you praise him/her when you first met and fell in love compared to now?  We excuse ourselves by saying: " He knows what I think about him.  She is very aware of how highly I regard her.".  But do you tell her; do you say it to him and how often.  

	When we praise someone, we are not only recognizing a good quality.  In the very act of praise, we empower them to have that quality in fuller measure.  It gives them confidence in themselves and encourages them to exercise it more generously.  As mentioned in the section on Criticism, we form one another by what we say.  When we criticize someone, we mold that criticism into them.  They take on that characteristic.  The same is true with praise.  The more we praise someone the more she/he feels free to be the type of person we admire so much.  Nothing like appreciation has the ability to draw out the best in me.

	We have mentioned the terrible effects of criticism, truly a cancer of the soul, leading to a death of hope and self value.  All of us have received plenty of criticism in our lives.  That is one experience none of us were deprived of, no matter what our other circumstances.  It takes about fifty praises to make up for one criticism.  Criticism is like a leech; it burrows within us and is most difficult to extract.

	One prime purpose of a wife/husband, in God's plan, is to be the antidote for all the criticism the spouse has experienced.  We say we love one another, we say we will do anything for one another.  Fine and good.  Will we praise one another?  Not just when we think the other person deserves it but because I have it to give.  We have to praise God, even when we don't think He's being very nice to us at a particular point in our lives.  Why not our husbands?  Why not our wives?  Besides, it is so arrogant to praise or not to praise on the basis of my judgement of merit.  This is my gift to give.  It is my responsibility.

	Sometimes, we say: "I agree with that, generally.  My spouse is a good person and I have so much to appreciate about our marriage.  I can never express to him how fine a man he is.  She will never know how good I see her to be.  I wish I could find the words.  But there are times when I just can't praise my spouse.  He really blew it last night.  She's been impossible for two days.  We'll get back to normal and then I'll have plenty of nice things to say.  But right now I can't think of any.  Or, I suppose I could, but I don't want to, just now.".  Very understandable, but oh, so inadequate.  If I can't find anything good to say about my spouse, the trouble is with my eyesight.  It isn't that there isn't anything praiseworthy.  I've been blinded by my upset, hurt, anger, resentment.

	Make your home a house of praise.  That won't happen by accident nor by pious wishing.  We can't merely say that it would be nice.  Nor can we put the burden on the other person by looking at what we are to receive.  It also won't work if we make it a trade off: "I'll praise you as much as you praise me.".  It has to be a deliberate, conscious commitment to make my man/woman the most appreciated person on the face of the earth.  That will be the prime agenda item on my daily schedule.  This will be by word and gesture, notes and glances.  We plan out our day.  We know what we have to do and make provisions to carry them out.  We plan the meals.  Why can't we plan our praise of one another?  Wouldn't that be a nice way to greet one another when we return home?  It would be something for each of us to look forward to: "I wonder what she will say about me tonight?  What new goodness has he discovered in me?".  That would make coming home something to eagerly anticipate, other than some peace, relaxation and a decent meal.  It would be exciting.  We would travel home with a big grin of expectation on our faces.

	We all desire to do more for one another because we do love each another dearly.  We want to please one another and make each other happy.  But we tend to think of grand gestures, some big expensive gift or some grandiose sacrifice.  We have the power to transform our beloved's life right within us.  It won't cost us a penny; there will be nothing hard to do.  All it calls for is activating our capability to tell our beloved, on a constant basis, how wonderful they are.  We need to be attentive and consistent to pull this off.  That is the only price tag.

	One resistance might come from our belief it will get repetitious.  After a while, we'll run out of new things to say.  We will have said them all and then what will we do.  We can be most reassured.  People never are bored when good things are said, no matter how many times they have heard them before.  It's like never getting tired of ice cream or good music.  Can you imagine someone saying: "I've heard Brahms already.  Put on another tape."?  The same is true of praise.  It is never a broken record to the one being praised.  In addition, consider how much better we get at anything with practice.  The more we praise, the more we will find to praise in our loved one and the more words we will discover to express ourselves more fully.

	Our house of praise includes the children.  When they come home from school, they expect to be fed; we have a snack for them.  This would feed their souls.  Not only prepare a sandwich or something nutritious for their bodies but nourish their hearts with praise.  The same is true for the meal.  Wouldn't a wonderful family meal be one which started with praise of one another?  We like to insist upon Grace to thank God for his goodness to us.  That is quite proper and good.  But what about one another.  Frequently, meal time is a hassle, not everyone is in the best of possible moods.  Take a few minutes to go around the table and have every one say something nice about one another.  That should come before grace.  Now we are prepared for Him.

	I'm sure good parents groan, thinking it will never work with their family.  Give them a chance.  It will take a little getting used to, a little settling, a break in cruise time, but it will work.  Families doing this swear by it.  It makes such a difference not only in the atmosphere of the meal but of the entire evening.

	Bedtime is another great occasion to express to the children and one another how blessed you are in them.  What a grace filled way to send one another to sleep.  We wish one another: "Good night.".  This would be a way to guarantee it.  All would retire with happy thoughts, secure in being valued, no matter what the rest of their day had been like.  It will take a little forethought to pull this off.  We can't be absorbed in the TV or newspaper, put up a cheek to be kissed, give a half hug and a distracted: "pleasant dreams" and, then, as they leave the room say: "Oh, by the way, I'm supposed to say something nice about you.".  We have to plan a little for this.  It won't take long.  But we should be prepared.  It's not a surprise when they come to say goodnight.  They do every night, around the same time.  So think ahead.  Lay in ambush for them with their goodness.

	What we have said about praising the children applies no matter what their age.  It's not just for little ones.  The big ones need it just as much, maybe, more.  So whether they are 2, 22 or 45, whether they live at home or are married with children of their own, praise them, praise them, praise them.  Look forward to every opportunity you have to be with them, in person and on the phone and have something nice all ready to lay on them.  It will cloak them in joy.

	This vision is directly related to the one of Eliminating Criticism in the Home.  When we eliminate criticism, we have taken a giant step toward building a stronger base of belonging in the family.  When we add praise instead of criticism, we create an irresistibly attractive environment.  The goal of this vision is that each member of the family is praised at least three times a day by every other member.

	Praise, in meaningful sincere terms, is almost non existent in this world.  How often are we told we did a really fine job, by the boss?  How often do we react to a child who always come home with A's on the report card, by saying: "That's nice, now go clean your room."?  Our prevailing attitude is a fear that praise will go to the person's head and make her/him conceited.  In our culture, that is not likely.  What is more likely is that each of us is quite well aware of our defects.  Our faults become magnified in our minds, while our virtues are taken for granted or underplayed.

	Sincere praise given in the family helps the person, young or adult, become aware of their own goodness.  We like to be around people who see us as good, recognizing our efforts to do well.  If we receive praise often, our self image and confidence is boosted.  We begin to give praise in return.  Praise makes us feel important and significant in the eyes of others.  It says someone notices and appreciates us.  Praise in the home makes the family a very desirable place to be and teaches us how to notice the goodness of others.  It also helps us to recognize how blessed we are to have this family, thus encouraging us to praise God for his gifts to us.

	We don't want our home to be the only House of Praise in the parish.  That is why we reach out to our closest friends in the parish to join us in this vision.  We need the support but, more importantly, we want to spread the joy.  When our home is not the only praising home but so are those of our friends and all their friends, too, we can feel the power pervading the whole parish.

	We should be in regular contact with our friends about our mutual vision, feeding one another with ideas and plans, ways to overcome difficulties and success stories.  So much in our culture rewards the tale teller, the bearer of bad tidings about others.  That is why newspapers like the National Enquirer sell so well.  Gossip is rarely about others' good points.  When we show an interest, with our friends, in positive qualities they have noticed in family members we encourage them and ourselves to increase this practice.

	St. Paul points out the rewards of praise: "Finally, brothers, fill your minds with everything that is true, everything that is noble, everything that is good and pure, everything that we love and honor, and everything that can be thought virtuous or worthy of praise.  Keep doing all the things that you have learned from me and have been taught by me and have heard or seen that I do....Then the God of peace will be with you.".  Phil. 4:8-9.  What a wonderful vision.  Peace in our home, in our parish and on earth.

			SIMPLIFYING OUR LIFE STYLE

	Life is so complicated, today.  We often don't have time to breathe much less to relax and think.  A constant subject of conversation among people is that their lives are too full to enjoy.  We don't realize or accept that much of our busyness is self inflicted.  I can hear the snorts as this is read, the anguished cries of protest.  But the statement is, nonetheless, accurate.  The point raised, is not that we are not busy, even overwhelmingly so, but it is not by accident, it is by our choice.

	This might be easier to perceive, were our grandparents or great grandparents brought back to life and we talked to them.  They lived a hundred years ago and their busyness was beyond their choice.  Grandad worked a twelve to fourteen hour day, six days a week, with little or no vacation.  For Grandma, Monday was wash day, all day.  She did it by hand.  Tuesday was the day she ironed.  Wednesday was the day she cleaned the house from top to bottom, on hands and knees.  And so forth.  In addition, there was a minimum of three to four hours of cooking every day.

	This example is not mentioned to prove we have it easy.  We don't.  Our chores and activities are different from theirs but equally time consuming and all encompassing.  The man's work hours might be less but commuting, on average, is, at least, a couple of hours.  Grandpa likely didn't have to mow the lawn or fix the roof, he most often lived in a walk up apartment.  His job was blue collar, more physical than mental, not as personally draining as ours.  Grandma didn't have to work outside the home, nor did she chauffeur kids here, there and everywhere.  It would be absolutely false to try to establish our life style as any more relaxed than our ancestors.  That would be most unfair.

	What we don't realize is that many of the activities, into which we throw ourselves so energetically, are self selected.  We do have a choice, while, for them, there were no options.  This is not to say our choices are bad, merely that we do have a say.

	Some examples.  We don't have to have the kids in all those activities.  Our decision is that they are good for them.  We could have chosen to be home more together.  Remember now, I haven't said the choice was bad, simply, there was one.  It was a question of priorities.  Many of our men are working much more than a forty hour week or in such intense jobs that they are absolutely gutted when returning home at night, so they can't really participate fully in family life.  They, possibly, could work less hours or in a less demanding job.  It would mean less money and the standard of living would be reduced.  There was a choice there and they made it.  Again, we are not criticizing the selection, merely identifying there was one.

	An increasing percentage of our women work outside the home.  For some, it is a sheer matter of financial survival (That is not a free option).  For others, it is a question of standard of living and the extras.  Still others work because they are not cut out to be a housewife or want to fulfill their talents.  We do not say they should have chosen a different path, only that a choice was made.  The house we live in, the schools to which we send our children, the vacations we take, the meals eaten out, the clothes we buy for ourselves and our children, where we shop, all have an impact on our life style.  They establish how much money we must have in order to live that way and, therefore, the jobs to which we submit ourselves.  The lack of extended family puts the whole burden of raising the children on the parents.  In some cases, there was no option, our parents died or moved away  (But did we ask them to stay for us).  However, in most cases, it was our move, either for independence or job.

	The aim of this exposition is to put the focus on our freedom.  So often, we feel overwhelmed.  We sense we're running, running, running and just get further behind.  Worse, we feel boxed in.  We believe this situation has been forced upon us from outside influences and we can do nothing about it.  This vision is to reveal that is not true; we still can be in charge of our own lives.  We are not stuck.  We do not claim it is easy.  The decisions will be countercultural.  They will go against the main stream thinking which inundates us.  On the other hand, we can look at where we are and consider, whether we are all that happy and content.  Do we want to continue for the rest of our lives being earners and consumers?  That is the present situation.  One fosters the other.  The more we earn, the more we consume.  The more we consume, the more we have to earn.  Marx's theory was that humans are basically economic animals.  We are capitalists but have fallen into the same trap.

	We have to decide our priorities.  If the middle class life style is to continue at the top of our list, many freedoms are taken from us.  Our talents, education, time, energy, planning will be largely consumed by that goal.  There will not be enough of those resources left to have much family time.  Opportunities for personal and spiritual growth and development will be sacrificed.  Our own life experience is proof enough.  It has been said: "You get nothing for nothing in this life.".  That is certainly true when it comes to our standard of living.  The personal price is high.

	Part of the reason we got into this in the first place was the automatic assumption this was the only goal to set for ourselves.  It was taught us in school; our parents hammered it into us; all our peers were on the same track.  Anything less than striving to be a hard driving middle class achiever was considered lazy or unambitious.  This was the American way.  It almost seemed unpatriotic to set our caps for anything else.

	The vision offered here is certainly not to live in poverty.  It does recommend we could consider lowering our sights.  That lowering would not be for its own sake but in order to free us up to make other decisions than the ones forced upon us, once we get into the consumer/earner life style.  We want to be able to put persons before things.  The mentality of the consumer is: "If I see something I like and can afford it, why not?".  There are myriad things out there any one of us would find attractive because they are pleasant, labor saving, impressive, enjoyable, new or valuable.  We'll never run out of things we don't have but want.  People earn a living inventing new things and better ways to sell them to us.  That latter is not too hard because we are already pre sold.

	The mentality of this vision is for us to say to ourselves: "How little can I get along with?" rather than: "How much can I accumulate?" not: "What's wrong with buying this?" but: "Is it necessary?".  This is a turn around.  It is, as we have said, countercultural.  But look at our present situation.  Our homes are equipped with multiple labor saving devices, things for which our grandparents would have given their eye teeth to have, yet we have so little time with one another.  The time we save at home is spent earning the money to get the machines to save us that time.  What a perfect example of a treadmill.  Our kitchens are better equipped than most professional kitchens in restaurants around the world but how often are they used?  The microwave gets the biggest workout.

	The aim is to reduce our consumer ambitions in order to increase our family horizons.  Work out what we are spending now, on things we could do without and still live decently.  It might call for sharp turn arounds of commitments already made.  For example, a cheaper house, with a lower mortgage might permit the husband to work less hours or the wife to be at home.  The number of cars in the driveway could provide some leeway.  The cost of our vacations, eating out (The average American family eats out three times per week.  It costs so much more to eat out than to dine at home.).  The presents we give, the cost of visits to the mall.  We could throw all these things into the pot, stir it about and come up with more freedom to be ourselves.

	This is a wonderfully prophetic vision for all of us in the Church.  After all, Jesus said that the fundamental choice in life was between God and money.  We don't see that as applying to us because we are not rich.  Jesus didn't address that warning to the rich.  He spoke to all of us.  When we say we are not rich, we mean that we don't have as much as many others.  But we all have to admit we have far more than we need.  The problem is not the amount of money, but the lack of personal meaning in life and loss of family.  The aim of cutting down is not to put more money aside in savings accounts, IRA's, pension funds, annuities, etc.  That is another form of consumerism.  The goal is to limit our need for money so we don't have to work so long and so intensely.  It is to reverse how we have been living.  We have bought our standard of living with the coins of our time, talent energy, personhood, family presence and closeness.  This vision calls us to buy back our personhood and familiness with the money we could be earning.  It calls for heroism and, therefore, deep prayer.  We will not take this on, at all, much less successfully without the Lord.

	Whether rich or striving middle class, (The temptation is to plead poverty because we have so many debts.  Poor people don't have debts, nobody will lend them anything.  They don't have plastic.  When we have oppressive debts, it means that we have sold our present peace and family closeness for things) families are the victims of the middle class value system.  This influences all our attitudes, behavior and decisions about how we live our daily lives.  We are driven by a consumer mentality, which causes us to have an insatiable appetite for new things.  We don't repair broken objects, we throw them out.  We realize we don't really need the latest high tech household appliance but the advertising media convinces us we won't be happy without it.

	We accept the opinion that each child must have a private bedroom (and stereo and TV) ( even though the social scientists tell us that children who sleep in the same bedroom remain closer to one another all their lives than those who sleep in separate rooms) and the highest quality, i.e. the most expensive college education.  We believe the purpose of gymnastic lessons for our five year old is to prepare her for varsity athletics instead of physical fitness and recreation.  So, we spend $40 a month on private lessons, instead of $2 for the Girl's Club lessons.  We want our children to have the best possible memories of childhood, so we take them to Disneyland.  Families in this system do have nice things, the children can go almost anywhere and do anything.  They also have a tired mother and father, teaching their children it is important to acquire material possessions.  The children soon become successful consumers.  Their appetite increases for still more possessions.

	This vision calls for a re-evaluation of the family's life style by all members of the family, placing a priority on building intimate relationships with one another.  The family could meet weekly to review how well each has been spending time, money, talents.  Has it been to build family closeness?  If not, they should decide how to change their behavior in a small, doable, observable way so that they can refocus their attention on the importance of family relationships

	Families can look at what it costs in terms of daily effort to maintain their current life style.  They could determine to live in a less affluent way in order to free up more time to spend with one another.  The purchase of any new thing could be considered in light of how much it is really needed and how much it will distract the family members from one another, both in earning the money to buy it and then in upkeep, for the use of it.

	Simplifying our life style can lead to a stronger emphasis on the importance of family and can greatly influence the individual family member's attitudes about their responsibility to help form that family.

	This vision, most of all, calls for our friends to be involved.  This is so countercultural, it would be an incredibly lonely journey by ourselves.  We need to actively involve our closest friends in the parish to support us directly in our own family struggle with this and begin the struggle in their families.  We need companionship on this road.  It will be a gift to your own family to work together on this and to their families as well.  Moreover, you will be models to the whole parish that this can be done and is worthwhile.

			SPIRITUALITY IN THE HOME

	The home is the Little Church.  We can be spiritual in the big Church to the degree we are in our homes.  The level of prayer and devotion in the parish as a whole cannot exceed that which we create in our families.  Our children will not know what to do with themselves when they go to Church, if they haven't been praying at home.  Nor will we.  A spiritual way of being is not something we turn on and off, at will.  It is to be part of our nature and our usual way of living.  

	One of the beautiful aspects of Judaism is that the home is the center of their spiritual life.  The Sabbath Liturgy is primarily a family celebration.  The Synagogue has its importance but is definitely secondary to Jewish home life.  Unfortunately, in the Catholic Church, we have not been faithful to our Jewish heritage.  We have reversed that, to our great loss.  The emphasis is on the Church and what takes place there.  The home is looked upon as a spiritual adjunct to the Church.  We have it all reversed.

	We need to start emphasizing the home as the prime source of spiritual growth and development for all members of the family.  This does not apply only to the little ones.  The adults in the family are equally formed and molded spiritually by the home.  In fact, sometimes, more so.  When parents prepare their children for First Communion, their own appreciation of this beautiful Sacrament is often deepened.  When the children make their first Confession, the parents are reminded they haven't been in some time and often reevaluate their attitudes toward this Sacrament.  The simplicity and awesome trust little children exhibit in their prayer are tremendous examples to their parents.  Children are often leaders in the home when it comes to prayer, reminding their parents: "We haven't said grace.". or "It is time for night prayers.".  So all make their contribution.

	While the children have a wonderful gift to bring us, when it comes to prayer, as we have just described, adult prayer should dominate the atmosphere of the home rather than a childish one.  A mistake, frequently, if not predominantly made, is that the parents listen to the children's prayers.  It should be the other way around.  They should be invited to be part of their parents' prayer.  Otherwise, as they grow up, they will outgrow their prayer, as little ones, and have no other model upon which to draw.  Parents should take the leadership in prayer.  If they do not and make it a task for the children, then part of growing up, for our sons and daughters, will be to not pray because only little kids do that.  Moreover, when it is an adult prayer, it will be mature and experienced.

	We could say the children are not ready for this.  It will be over their heads.  That may well be true, although we are often amazed at how much the children pick up in other areas.  But that doesn't matter.  They will see their parents praying and learn gradually how an adult prays and be lead along that path, as they grow in wisdom, age and grace.  Of course, they should be allowed to participate in their own way but the parents set the tone.  They will learn: it is not always a selfish prayer, only for something they want; it is not always a prayer of petition; they don't have to be speaking all the time when they pray, it is even more important to listen.

	Family life is very busy, to say the least.  Prayer will not happen unless we make a serious decision to make it happen.  That means a definite time and place to pray.  All members of the family are to be there and participating.  If we leave it up to someone remembering, too often another evening will pass and just before bed time someone will say: "We forgot our prayers again.".  We'll be suitably regretful and resolve to do better but probably won't, until it becomes an unspoken acceptance that prayer isn't part of our daily schedule.  Or we will rush to get the prayer in when everyone is tired, thinking of nothing but getting to bed.  Prayer should be as much part of the daily routine of the family as eating or taking a bath.  We should feel deprived without it.

	It definitely should be family prayer.  It is fine, if the individual members of the family pray on their own.  That should definitely be encouraged.  One way to do that is to have some religious articles around their rooms, such as pictures of Our Lady, a statue of Our Lord, rosaries, prayer books, Bibles.  Many of our kid's rooms have none of these.  Instead, they are filled with stuffed animals and the walls covered with Snoopy posters, sports heroes and cutesy sayings.  By all means, foster their praying in their room.  But there is something special about the whole family prays together.  A bonding occurs when family prayer is sincere and loving.  Nothing else compares to it.  It will be a memory for all.  Also, we really can't count grace before and after meals as the family prayer.  We certainly should thank God for his generosity to us.  This meal is a good example, but grace becomes too automatic and stylized, even when free lanced and not just the memorized prayer.  It is well worth it, even with all the other responsibilities of family life pressing upon us, to gather together in the family room and raise our minds and hearts to God.

	Many suitable forms of family prayer exist; there is no one correct way.  It could be the family rosary.  (The advantage is that it is eminently suitable for all family members from the two year old to the senile old grandmother.  The two year old twirls it around his fingers and the grandmother nods off and every time she comes awake they are saying Hail Mary so she doesn't think she has missed a thing)   The Bible is a great opportunity for family prayer.  One of the family members can pick a passage and read it to the rest.  Then all share on what it means personally and how they intend to apply it to their lives.

	Or the family could prepare themselves for Mass by talking about what Holy Communion signifies to them and what they will say to the Lord, when they receive.  They could pray for someone down and out whom they know, asking the Lord's inspiration as to what He wants done for him/her.  Each family member can ask the Lord to equally inspire them.  We all speak what is most in our hearts about our Father, at this time.  We don't have to use the same type of prayer.  In fact, it probably would be good not to.  We can do different things from one night to the next and provide a little variety.  We can let an individual member of the family take the responsibility for the family prayer each night.

	Most significant is to pray together.  Pray as a family daily with love for one another and the Lord.  It will take a little effort and insistence to make this an accepted, regular practice in your home but, ultimately, it will become as natural as the air you breathe.

	As, with all these visions, our ambitions are larger than ourselves.  Yes, we want it for our own family but we also want it for the parish.  So we turn to parishioners closest to us and ask them to take on, for their own families, this vision of daily family prayer.  They will be an inspiration and support to our efforts through their dedication and determination.  Furthermore, we can share with one another what works and what doesn't.  Once a month or so, it would be good for the families to come together for a shared evening of prayer.

	This vision is a call to increase the overall quality of family spirituality in the home.  The prayer should be meaningful and from the heart - asking God to remember our special intentions, to send us the graces we need to do better, thanking Him for the gifts He has already given us, praising him for Himself, above all.

	Each family should spend time together developing a meaningful spirituality.  Time spent together being loving and intimate with one another is an important aspect of our holiness.

				FAMILY MEALS

	One of the saddest realities of modern American life is the loss of the family meal.  We simply don't eat together very much as a family any more or, if we do, it is rushed and finished as quickly as possible.  Many factors enter into this: the small size of our families, our women are working (They don't have the time or energy to make a big deal about it and the men haven't improved all that much in helping out.), the school has taken over the social life of the children with practice and activities of one kind or other on many nights, separate rooms (plus TVs) for the children, lack of extended family.  The anomaly is we have never been better fed.  Our generation has the best food imaginable but we get less out of it because it is a feeding, not a meal.  You need people to make it a meal.  In too many homes, Mom is the short order cook, taking care of everyone, so they can get to wherever they are going.  She, herself, wants to finish it as quickly as possible, so she can relax and do her thing.  It is a stark statement, but nonetheless,  true that you cannot form a family without family meals. Without family meals, home becomes just a boarding house.  And we can best describe our family as a bunch of roommates on different schedules.  We wave at each other as we pass.  The family meal is a necessary part of the bonding process for a family.  It cannot be substituted for or replaced.

	This is not only a loss for the individual family.  It is that, of course.  But it is an equal loss for the Church.  How can we teach your children, for example, that the Eucharist is a meal, if they have never had one or only at celebrations such as Christmas and Thanksgiving, or, at best, once a week on Sunday?  They don't know what we are talking about.  So they see the Eucharist as a feeding to nourish and spiritually vitaminize them.  They miss the community dimension entirely.  They do not understand we must be bonded with one another in the Church for the Eucharist to have its full meaning.

	More deeply, the liturgy of the Little Church is the family meal.  Could you conceive of the Catholic Church being itself without the Mass?  That would be ridiculous.  The Church would not be the Church without the Liturgy.  So too, a family is not a family with out their meal together.  We can say all we want about times being different and how things have changed.  Yes, all sorts of wonderful discoveries and inventions, magnificent breakthroughs in medicine boggle the mind; transportation and communication have exploded in speed and availability.  All these changes have, potentially and actually, added to our lives.  But the norms and rules of personal relationship formation remain the same.  You simply cannot manufacture these, you can't speed them up.  There are some irreducible essentials.  The family meal is one.  We would definitely consider parents inadequate, who did not feed their children or did so in sparse fashion.  They would be irresponsible in such deprivation.  Or parents who did not send their children to school and deprived them of an education.  It is equally irresponsible to deprive them of family meals.  That is their God given right.

	By a family meal, we mean one in which the whole family sits down together every night for at least an hour.  Immediately, the howls of protest rise: "You don't know my family.  They would never stand for that.  I could never get them to do it.".  It will take time and patience on all sides, plus absolute determination because a lot of bad habits have to be undone.  Thousands of couples can testify to being able to introduce this.  At the family meal, the phones are turned off, no TV or papers.  We have one another.  Friends, naturally, are welcome to join us.  But, if they do come into the house, they join us and not sit in another room putting pressure on one of the family members to hurry up.

	The meal is scheduled for the time everyone is home.  That may well mean it is not served at our usual time.  It probably isn't good anyway, now that our women are working, to have her go into the kitchen immediately after coming home from work.  (If there is a more enlightened man in the house who actually cooks, it is not good for him either)  She needs to unwind a bit.  It might be better to eat at eight.  Groans come up from all sides: "I'll never get my homework done.".  Do it before supper.  "That's my time to relax.".  Eating together is a wonderful relaxation.  "I'll miss my favorite TV show.".  I must say, it is hard for me to get up any agonizing sympathy for that one.  However, if you'll die without it, tape it.  "But, I'm hungry!".  Good, then you'll be more ready to eat when we sit down.  In the meantime, have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

	(In reference to the cooking of the meals, the man has to face his responsibilities.  There is nothing endemic in feminine genes which nominates them for permanent kitchen duty.  It is absolutely unfair, especially, now that she is working, for the man to leave it to her.  But, even if she weren't, more is at stake than being decent to your wife.  Your fatherhood is at risk.  It is hard to see a man a true father to his children, unless he nurtures them.  The father's fingerprints have to be on the food as well as the mother's.  Why not start by cooking every other day?  It will bond you much more closely to the children.  Probably, in the beginning, they will plead for mercy and ask for Mom.  Stick with it; you'll get the hang of it.)

	Coordinate all schedules, once the family meal time is set.  Nothing short of death or major surgery should interfere.  I know you will die, if you are a half hour late to that party.  We'll give you a lovely funeral.  That meeting at Church needs us there.  They can't start without us.  We'll give you a plenary indulgence or general absolution.  No one will ever speak to me again, if I don't go now.  Just think of all the opportunity you will have to talk yourself.  Once we make exceptions, it all breaks down.  The family should decide together the best time for them to eat as a family.  They take into account the interests and activities of each member.  But it will not be possible to please everyone, some will have to make the sacrifice.  This is more important.

	We will have to reverse some meal time practices, as we begin.  Previously, the norm was speed.  That should no longer be a consideration.  In fact, the opposite should be the choice.  We want to be together longer.  For example, juice or soup?  They are equally nutritious.  We have served juice because it was simpler and quicker.  Now, it is soup and as hot as possible, so everyone has to blow on it before they sip it.  Before everything was put on the plate at once, so we didn't have to get up.  Now serve one course at a time.  The soup first, as that is cleared away, the salad.  When the salad is finished, the main meal is served, in serving dishes.  One parent carves the meat right at the table, while the bystanders root for the piece they want and are sure their sister will get it, the other parent serves the potatoes and vegetables individually.  There is something special about being served, which is part of parental nurturing.  We wouldn't leave the chalice on the altar and let every one come and get it.  It is offered to us by the community. (We will go to a more expensive restaurant which serves family style, rather than just getting it all together on one plate.  Today, you have to go to out to eat family style.)  Then the table is cleared and desert is served by the parents in the same fashion.  This is a so much more human and loving way to eat.

	The motto throughout is: "Take your time, there's no rush.  We're not going anywhere.  We're just enjoying one another.".  The experience of families, who have instituted family meals, is that it takes about two to three months to get the practice solidly into the family routine but then everyone loves it.  There are even nights when they don't leave the table at all.  They enjoy talking to each other so much.  This also has the advantage of allowing issues to be raised and talked over calmly and peacefully, instead of having to be brought up and answered within a few minutes.

	Another practice, delightful for the family meal, is to have table cloths and napkins instead of plastic placemats.  What would you think if you went to Mass on Sunday and saw plastic place mats under the hosts.  You would probably be horrified and say: "That's awful.  That is not worthy of the Body of Christ. ".  Well the same can be said here: "That is not worthy of the Body of Christ.".  Your family, as baptized, are equally the Body of Christ.  The dinner table is the altar of your Little Church.  The thought of linen table cloths, has been know to cause dismay among mothers with visions of gravy spilled and rips torn.  That is understandable, but just think of all the stories you can tell your grandchildren about their mother and father.

	A final little touch would be to have candles on the table.  The first night you do this, when the kids see the nice china and silverware, the table cloth and napkins, the candles, you know what they will say: "Who's coming over for dinner tonight?".  You will reply in triumph: "US!.".  But it is revelatory that the children do not expect the best.  That is reserved for non family members.  We have to change that.  When we do, the atmosphere created will say: "We care about one another.  We are number one with each other.".

	Invite your closest friends to share this vision with you in order for it to be broader scale in the parish than you could hope to accomplish by yourself.  They will also be a great help.  They will carry you through the difficult beginning days when you are starting.  They will also be there to celebrate with you as it takes hold.

	Those with this vision have a yearning for family and a strong desire to improve the quality of relationships in the home.  Although it appears simple and really is, it calls for a major change of lifestyle in order to make this daily gathering the most important priority of each member of the family.  This vision creates great family memories of time spent together with one another in an atmosphere of warmth and nurturing.

				CONCLUSION

	These Visions are small but vital ways to live our daily lives in our families with a Gospel value system  There are ten mentioned.  Some explanation of each is offered.  Most important, though,  is to take the basic idea and develop the Vision in your own family way.  All are no more than means leading to the common end we seek - to grow in loving one another, as God loves us.  As we do that we will be spending God's gift of friends and family for his sake and the sake of our parish.  We will reap the harvest of growth in the joy of His Kingdom which He promised us.

	Select one Vision which causes you the most enthusiasm and begin to carry it out in your family immediately, so you will be able to share your experience with your friends.  This is key to involving your friends.  It is wonderful for you to do it in your own family.  You're to be highly praised for that.  This shows where your heart lies.  On that level, it is a good practice.  We want this, though, to be a Vision for the whole parish.  Something you ambition for all your fellow parishioners, not merely something for yourself and your immediate family.  To do so you have to bring your friends from the parish into this and have them bring their friends.  Then your power to bring your love and Vision to all parishioners will be multiplied exponentially.

	This can seem overwhelming, at first glance.  Actually, it is not, if we take it one step at a time.  However, there is a fine program CALLING DISCIPLES available from the PASTORAL AND MATRIMONIAL RENEWAL CENTER.  It will get you off to a running start in establishing more intimate relationships with your special friends.  The Visions mentioned in this Booklet are the focus of the five nights outlined in this Program.  It is all laid out for you.  All you have to do is add your love and stir.

	The seal of the Pastoral and Matrimonial Renewal Center is of the ringed head of a High Cross from Castledermot, Ireland.  The crucifixion represented on early Irish crosses is almost universally the crucifixion according to the Gospel of John (Jn: 19:37).  It is the glorified Christ who is represented: Christ as king and as priest, breathing forth the Spirit at the moment of his death.  The spear pierces his side and blood and water flow out: the water symbolic of the Spirit and of Baptism, the blood of Redemption and the Eucharist.
	The crucifixion in early Irish art is not shown as Jesus alone and abandoned, but it is a peopled crucifixion - it is Jesus among his disciples, Jesus risen and present among the people of his Church.  Jesus Reigns in the midst of his disciples, gathered in unity, who are also his apostles, sent to proclaim his salvation to the four corners of the earth.

Drawing by Sr. Pauline McGrath, O.P.

				ABOUT THE AUTHOR

	Father Chuck Gallagher, S.J. is the founder and Executive Director of the Pastoral And Matrimonial Renewal Ceneter, whose focus is on the development of lay spirituality and leadership in the Catholic Church.  He was the driving force behind the Worldwide Marriage Encounter movement and its first Executive Director.

	Father Chuck is the author of dozens of books, audio and video tapes and programs devoted to strengthening marriage, family life and the life of Faith.  As a renowned popular speaker, he has travelled extensively throughout the world, giving workshops and implementing these programs.  He is the initiator and co-author of the Sexuality Weekend for married couples and the author of the Celebrate Love Series.

	Father Chuck's great love for people and his constant encouragement enables them to develop a fuller and deeper love for one another.  He has touched and changed countless lives.  He is not only a priest and counsellor but a friend to many.  His magnetism, vision and enthusiasm has developed faith communities throughout the world.  Across the globe, people feel his understanding love and have responded overwhelmingly.

			YOU CAN CHANGE THE WORLD

			Ways to Leave a Mark

	People in the Church are hungry to serve the Lord in significant ways.  They are so good, filled with grace and the Holy Spirit.  They feel deprived because the Laity have not been permitted their proper place in the Church.  Everything seems to be in the hands of the priests and professionals in the institutional part of the Church.  They would like to do so much more.  They certainly are capable on both the natural and supernatural plane.  But all that has previously been open to them are  chores, meeting and fund raising.  Our Laity deserve much better of us.  Furthermore, we need them to be their full selves in the Community of the Faithful.  Our people have so much to give.

	What this Booklet offers are down to earth ways for lay people to make major contributions to the well being of the People of God.  They are designed to be realistic, suitable for the circumstances of family life.  Each calls for the involvement of the family as family, in the home itself.  The Little Church becomes the center of their outreach to others.  The Visions offered are simple but powerful and exciting.  The results are immediately visible.